Can You Make Love Happen?
The scenario: You meet a great guy,
sparks fly, but he doesn’t ask you out.
Conventional wisdom tells you to accept
the harsh truth (“He’s just not that into
you”) and move on. But when you
truly feel there was palpable chemistry
between you, should you give up so easily?
“In some cases, no,” says Neil Clark
Warren, PhD, and author of Date…or
Soul Mate? “A guy may have felt the
connection too but just didn’t act upon
it because men are just not as decisive as
women are when it comes to this stuff.”
If you’re game to try to create the
dating momentum your first meeting
failed to kick-start, there are a
few tactics at your disposal. Just be
warned: “It’s very easy to get so caught
up in wanting a guy to like you that
your subtle strategies become desperate
ploys,” says psychologist Sam R.
Hamburg, PhD, author of Will Our
Love Last? Don’t worry — Cosmo has
the lowdown on savvy ways to win
over a guy (and how to tell when it’s
time to cut your losses).
Cross His Path. the Right Way
We know what you’re thinking: If you
like the guy, why the hell can’t you just
go ahead and ask him out? Here’s why:
likely to trigger
circuit,” says anthropologist
PhD, and author of Why We Love.
Basically, it’s important for a guy to
feel like he’s chasing you. “The process
of pursuing a new mate really drives
his excitement and passion,” says Liz
H. Kelly, dating coach and author of
Smart Man Hunting. You see, “When
he thinks your meeting is spontaneous,
there’s more room for him to get
to know you on his terms.” So placing
yourself in his path — rather than
asking him for a date — can be a more
effective tack. “Men expect to do the
courting, so some women have to go
out on a limb subtly to make it easier
for them,” says Fisher.
For Georgie,* 28, a third orchestrated
encounter with her now-fiancé
was the charm. “I first met Keith
through a mutual friend, and there
was definitely this crazy chemistry
between us. I thought we had a great
time together, so I was surprised when
he didn’t ask for my number at the end
of the night,” she recalls. “So I had our
mutual friend organize another night
out a few weeks later. Again we had
fun together and he was even more
flirtatious with me that time, but still
there was no follow-through.”
Faced with Keith’s lack of action,
no one would blame Georgie for bowing
out. But she had a gut feeling he
felt it too. “So I thought, Okay, one
more try. I wouldn’t normally have
put myself out there like that, but he
was worth the risk. So the next week, I
planted myself in the café where I had
learned he grabbed lunch and ‘ran into
him’ there. Presto, as soon as we were
alone, he asked me for a date.”
Some other successful ploys women
have used to capture the affection of
a crush: Kate, 26, arranged for their
friend in common, Maria, to throw a house party and invite her and her
wannabe beau. “I only chatted with
Dave for about 15 minutes the whole
night,” she says. “But the next day, he
called Maria and asked for my number,
so making that little bit of extra
effort was worth it.”
Laurin, 29, “accidentally” sent
a witty e-mail to the object of her
affection, instead of a friend, about
her fabulous weekend plans. “When
he responded in confusion, I quickly
replied, ‘Argh, I didn’t mean to send
that to you. But how are you anyway?’
and we started flirting with each other
that way,” she says.
Once you’re face-to-face, there are
some simple rules to follow: Play it
cool. “You want him to know you’re
interested, not completely smitten,”
says Kelly. “To do that, keep your contact
with him to a brief conversation
at first. Remember, your aim here is
to pique the guy’s interest, so fight the
urge to corner him and tell him your
entire life story.” And keep an eye on
how much you drink in his company;
it’s hard to be aloof when you’re gazing
up at him with lovesick puppy eyes.
Another tip: Stick with a three-strikes-and-you’re-out mind-set. “By
setting yourself a non-negotiable mental
deadline, you ensure that you won’t
become too emotionally invested,
because you’ve already made a pact
with yourself to bow out once you’ve
given it your best shot,” says Kelly. This
way, you can walk away thinking Oh
well. His loss, rather than feeling like
hot stuff totally rejected you.
Names have been changed.
Relinquish the Reluctant Dude
The catch with chasing a guy is that the
more you try to hook him, the harder it is
to see the signs that he’s not willing to be
caught. “If you’re convinced that there
could be something between you, it’s
easy to misread the signals he’s sending
because your feelings are at stake,” says
Kelly. And the big problem with that
is. men aren’t blind.
Think about it. Two or three accidental
meetings is one thing, but if
it keeps happening, you run the risk
of becoming one of two things in his
eyes: an easy pickup or, even worse, a
potential stalker. “Men have an innate
ability to sense desperate vibes a mile
away,” says Kelly. “And if you keep
showing up where he’s hanging out and sending come-hither signals, he’s
eventually going to take advantage of
you.” After all, he’s a dude.
Just ask Louise, 25. “I ‘ran into’ Jake
a couple of times to get his attention,
and while he didn’t completely ignore
me, he never actually asked me out,
despite being given ample opportunity,”
she recalls. “But I was sure he’d
come around. and in a way he did.
One night at a mutual friend’s party, he
took me home and we had sex. Looking
back, of course he picked me up — I
was staring at him all night, and he was
drunk and wanted to get laid! Needless
to say, I didn’t hear from him again,
and I was shattered.”
There are a couple of lessons to be
learned here. The first is that if a guy’s
going to pursue you for more than a
quickie, he’s probably going to do it
within those first few meetings. “If
there really is chemistry between you,
then it shouldn’t take more than two or
three chance encounters to inspire some
action in him,” says Paul L. Fair, PhD,
coauthor of I’m Right. You’re Wrong.
Now What? “And if he doesn’t make his
move, you can assume that he either felt
it but just isn’t interested in a relationship
right now — for whatever reason — or the
romantic interest was one-sided.”
And two, taking a relationship from
zero to 60 is no guarantee that he wants
more. “Many women fall into the trap of
underestimating the impact sex will have
on them,” says Fair. “If you really like the
guy, and you’ve had no clear indication
that he’s interested in you, say, by being
asked out on a date or even receiving a
get-to-know-you phone call, then taking
that physical step can leave you feeling
worse than if he’d never acted on the
attraction in the first place.”
In the end, giving fate a tiny shove in
the right direction is smart in today’s
competitive dating world, as long as you
know when to throw in the towel and
look for somebody whose intentions are
aligned with yours.
His facial muscles relax.
Dudes with romantic intentions
find it easy to relax.
He introduced you to a bud.
When he wants a second
opinion, his close friends are
his go-to people.
His body faced you. A guy’s
torso will point toward the person
he deems most important.
He asked questions. If he’s
even slightly interested,
he’ll want to know more about you.
When you want a guy to fall for you, there may be times it's smart to give destiny a nudge. Cosmo explains.
How to Win His Heart
Last Updated: September 15, 2019 References
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So you’ve got a crush on that guy that you see every day at school and you want to know how to win his heart. While you can’t actually make someone fall in love you, there are a few ways and rules to follow that can help you get his notice and make him start thinking about you. See step 1 to get started.
About This Article
To win a boy’s heart, first try shooting a little smile and eye contact his way, and try to casually cross paths with him when you can. Remember not to overwhelm him with your interest by complimenting him all the time, because your confidence will win his heart faster! As you get to know him, try to crack a few jokes or tell an embarrassing story, because sharing your humor with somebody is a great predictor of how you might do in a relationship with them. Keep reading to see how you can seal the deal with a great first date!
How to Win His Heart. So you've got a crush on that guy that you see every day at school and you want to know how to win his heart. While you can't actually make someone fall in love you, there are a few ways and rules to follow that can…